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Understanding our sexual fantasies may be important in getting our needs met. Much like our dreams, our sexual fantasies are the windows to our souls.
We usually think fantasies are bad
In many ways, we have been conditioned and trained to fear, or be ashamed our sexual fantasies, as maybe we are somewhat afraid, or ashamed about our own sexualities.
We’re embarrassed of our desires. Due to lack of education, and lack of exposure in talking about sexual fantasies we keep them hidden, quiet, shut off from the world, and to ourselves. But being in tune and comfortable with our fantasies can be a great avenue to understanding our needs, and desires when it comes to sexuality and then to be able to express our sexual needs in the bedroom to our partner/s.
Why great communication is essential in fantasies
The art of communication is also key, as well as the fact that we do not have to admit to our partners what it is, or the specific details of what we fantasize about. But rather if we understand the root of our fantasies, we are better able to communicate it. I believe that there is a continuum of dominance and submission, that everyone falls on, (not just the people who have embraced this lifestyle). Knowing yourself, where you fall on this continuum and in what situations, becomes key in understanding your demeanor in sexual situations and becomes key getting your needs met.
Rape fantasies
One example, is the rape fantasy. Women would be hard pressed to admit they have a rape fantasy. But, in actuality rape fantasies are not only really common, they have little to do with actual rape. Women with rape fantasies do not want to be raped, but rather they have a fantasy or desire to be able to surrender, to put someone else in charge of their sexual pleasure, in complete trust.
This person is someone they trust who will not hurt them. The rape fantasy signifies surrender. It’s not about power nor is it about control. If more people knew this, then maybe more women would be able to let their partners in on their little secret, without a fear of backlash. Yet, many a men would think less of their prized lady if he knew she had a rape fantasy, and this prevents women from being open about it.
Domination v. Submission
On one end of the continuum is dominance and on the other end is submission. In much the same way there is another continuum of voyeurism at one end and exhibitionism on the other end.This is possibly a different and maybe slightly less important continuum, but if it comes up in your fantasies, it’s important.
I tell people in sex therapy who want better sex, who want to orgasm, who want to become more aroused, who want to be able to tell their partners how to meet their needs that: You must first know yourself, and be honest.
In much the same way, because of social stigma, many men may feel embarrassed to admit they like to be dominated in their fantasies. When in fact this is also very common.
Men are often expected to be the dominant ones, and being submissive goes against the grain. This is why it is not necessary to disclose specific details. But knowing the fantasy and admitting it to yourself can open up a door towards understanding your drives.
How understanding our sexual fantasies may be important in getting our needs met. Understanding where our fantasies come from is not necessary unless you want to know more about what it is that actually is driving you. Why are some people more dominant and others more submissive? Why do some like to watch, where as others like to perform, or be watched?
Where it likely comes from
I believe it has to do with our upbringing and conditioning in childhood. During our formative years, about ages 5-12 we internalize a lot of messages from our primary caregiver. If our primary caregiver is over protective, for example, we may develop a fetish to be more of the submissive, even humiliated type. Sometimes a specific event during puberty may also condition us towards certain stimuli.
Fantasies should be appreciated
All in all, it seems to me that our fantasies represent something in us that we either wish to work out and gain mastery over, or something that balances out our lives. Therefore, our fantasies are not to be ashamed of, but rather to be appreciated. Thus, our fantasies help us. Once you recognize this and allow yourself to admit to yourself your true desires, can you then start to slowly let your partner in on how he/she can contribute to making your sex lives more fun and fulfilling.
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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